icecreamgal

I finally could put a word to describe this second pregnancy: Passive.

Before that, I was fiddling with many other words like:
Boring, Listless, Non-chanlant, heck care, gung-ho, unsure, Been there done that....

This time round, it is unlike the first pregnancy when we were anticipating good news as first time parents - learning that a new life was about to grow inside me, that we were about to go into a new phrase, that we were both going to be parents. So much learning to do, so much preparation to go through.
This time, i am just going with the flow. Just as long as baby is growing healthy, and for a smooth delivery on the D-day in April next year. I am not even sure if i want a boy or girl now, if you ask me.

Hey, Its a good news! Why so sian?
I would have no answer for that.
If you ask me right in the face, it would be even more pathetic.
Because i am quite sure a constipated look would be my reply.
I dun have the answers and i am trying to find out why too.....

I can only relate to this pregnancy as being unplanned thus mentally i was not prepared.
If you ask me to describe the difference in the journey:
First pregnancy is like taking a rocket to the moon.
Second pregnancy is like waiting for another rocket to join us at the moon.
Both are anticipation. But the "going there" and the "awaiting" feeling is different.
Haha.. not sure if you all can get it, but this is the best and as far as i can go with my limited english power. =P

The first and this pregnancy are so very different in my case.
This second pregnancy would bring about (somewhat) different new changes to our lives and not just to both of us, but this time, we need to fret for Faith as well.

So surely there are many concerns which as 2nd time parents we should take note.
Ideally, Faith should like to have a companion and she should welcome the baby.
But of course we need to take note and be observant to her behaviour etc when the new baby comes about.
The behavioural which we can see, and the psychologically area which we cannot see, but should know. And this is just one of it.
Ok, maybe i am over-worrying. But i do think these are the 'new skills' that we should need to keep our eyes open to as we step into the 2nd phrase of child-raising. This is definitely very new to me.
 
I do not know if it was a good or bad thing that it coincidences our moving into 648. But to see that our new nest is finally ready for moving in after 4 yrs of purchasing this flat - it is a good thing to me now.
Just that we have to bear the consequences & inconvenience of living by ourselves now.

Just to name one, we need to settle Faith into a new room, although she will still be sleeping with us.  But last Friday we saw she seems to have difficulties with settling into sleep. A lot more tries required.
Julian was concern that Faith will turn rebellious after the 2nd child comes about.
But i hope, ideally by then she would have her classes and new friends at the child care to keep her busy that she would not mind the attention shift.
But anyway, Julian decided that the new maid will sleep with the baby while Faith will continue to sleep with me.
I just agree on the note of closing the conversation with him, because it all depends on how ready Faith is at that time. So things may shift to the opposite where Faith CAN and is willing to sleep with maid while i can tend to the new born.

And to name somemore:
How to finally finish moving our endless number of stuffs over to our new house?
When will we finally be independent?
When we can finally settle in, when should we source for a new maid?
More changes to come when the maid joins us. Plus the many maid stories we have heard.
This is crazy.... i mean. Im just surprised I am going to be walking this path. This new path. (Ok, looks new to me!)

With many other things in my head, i found that i did not have time to 'talk' to baby, to be conscious of this new baby. Hmm.. maybe not yet cos im not showing yet!
Usually, i tend to forget im pregnant!
And this time, I find that it is not a special mission anymore, but a 'duty' to bear a 2nd and carry the baby till due.
I have to admit i am more gung-ho this time round because its a 'been there, done that" feeling.
I am not so careful anymore, like when i was with my first.
So, its more of a 'lets carry on with life' for me.
Oh, and I cannot bear to part with my heels. I would like to continue to wear them as long as i can!

So lets face it. 
It is the previlege of the first born to get all the attention in their parent's world because before her, there was no one. But for the 2nd born, the parents have to think of balance between two all the time... and parents are already occupied with the first child already before welcoming the sibling for the first born.
So for those with three - i salute them. I do not have such a courage to go to that extent.
Two will be fine for me...

I realised my mum is right. The longer we drag, the more unlikely we will want to have a 2nd baby.
Because this means going back to night feeds, holding a wailing infant, changing diapers every 3 hours.... This is what i meant by 'anticipating' the rocket coming to join us this time.. whether or not we are ready, it is coming for us. And we have to take up the role once again. To put it crudely, it is a disruption to our lives which we have slowly accustomed to. A routine of waking up to see Faith Faith in her cot, everyone goes to work, return home play with Faith and then all rest, to wake up to the same again.
But behold, a new addition is coming. This is what i mean.

So, its not that i do not welcome this baby. I believe my maternal instinct towards it will rise fully to the occassion next year. I remember feeling happy to meet the foetus during the Oscar scan whereby the nurse asked me to cough so that we can make the baby change position in order for her to get a better measurement. I did felt close to the baby when i could see her on the screen. Amazing feeling when the songrapher expand the image so close for me to see the growing baby moving inside me..

Im probably just worried (as any mummies would) for the life after this baby... as this is another new phrase for me - to have to learn to juggle two babies at the same time, and many other challenges to come.
So first time mums will ask themselves if they can b good mothers and cope with their (gift) baby, second time mummies will ask, if they can CONTINUE to be that good mummy and care for both.
So i do really need that extra help - an extra hands to help me carry on with my life as FTWM. Jul and I know we cannot do it by ourselves.
Not ready for the 2nd one, but when would one really be ready?
Maths tells us that the age gap between Faith and this baby is just right - 3 years.
So i have accepted the timing and shall go with the flow - taking one step at a time for now.

Maybe its due to my mood or the rainy gray weather - that this blog feels so gloomy too.
Maybe its because i am not a "take a step at a time' person at all, so this is a bit hard for me to swallow.
But dun worry, its not depression. I believe its just the hormones....and the mental initial preparation part as a 2nd time mummy. Hee..
I surely need a lot of faith and prayers! Thank you in advance!

On a brighter note, I do have my packets of joy here and there.
Sometimes at work, sometimes at home. Sometimes through food, sometimes through entertainment. 

Precious moments are times when Faith gives me her utmost cooperation.
For example: A quality bedtime storybook reading time, like last night.
Cooperation means she is not distracted. She wants to finish flipping the book. She seats quietly infront of you. She did not run away half way. She was naming the animals and making their sounds correctly!
Just makes my day - to see her enjoy the time, be able to smile at her as her smile meets mine.
Cooperation means, a non fidgety Faith when i try to brush her teeth last night, carrying her with one arms and brushing her teeth with the other infront of the toilet mirror. She allowed me to cover all her pearlies last night. Superb Faith!
But when Daddy is around, he will help to carry her.

It usually brings me to boil when i am met with her mischief or disobedience.
Because my logical mind cannot piece any reason why the same habitual activities that we are doing daily would generate a different kind of response from her. Why one day she can be so guai and the next day, she is like a monster?
I really dun have an answer to this behaviour yet. Mayb if i attend some parenthood conference one day, i may know.  

I am quick to lose patience and usually the first to holler a command at Faith.
"Sit down", "No jumping on the bed", "Come back, not so close to the TV"
In compensation, I have to remind myself to be patience. I have to remind myself that she had been cooperative before...
They are still, just angels... at this age.
So i treasure her angel-ness and cooperativeness.
Before she grews up too soon and starts to answer back at me!!

For now, seems like my appetite is coming back and I do not feel so puky anymore.
I thank God that MIL have been sensitive and helped me in certain ways. For example, asking Jiayan to carry Faith instead. Willing to help me with Faith on Saturdays as she knows I need rest.
Guilty but tired, we had to limit Faith's activities out on Saturdays to a dinner time outing. Any thoughts of sending her to extra cirriculum lessons on Saturday have diminished due to our busy schedule and physical limitations. But we try to make it a point to dine out as a family to relieve mum of cooking. Currently, we are still spending our weekends unpacking and packing at 648.
Thank God for mummy, cos she cooked me superbly nice black chicken soup on Sunday.
Julian is the one that needs reminding. See, even he is gung-ho this time.
I think need to wait till my tummy is bigger than he will be reminded again.

Shall update again next time!

Happy mid-week, peeps!
Love, me.

Currently feeling: Gray